Saturday, May 27, 2017

"Gram-maw? I am in trouble!"

Ring, ring, ring.


"Gram-maw?  I'm in trouble!", kid's voice.

"Billy, is that you?"  'Gram-maw'. "Billy, I don't have my hearing aids in.  Can you text me?"  Gram-maw asked.

"Yeah, Gram-maw.  This is Billy.  I am in the jail in Chicago.  I swear I did not do it.  They are going to throw me in a cell with a bunch of drug addicts if I can't make bail?" 'Billy' texted.

"Oh Billy.  You scamp.  Seems like you spend a lot of time at the jailhouse.  Where did you say you are?  Mason? Charlotte?" 'Gram-maw' texted back.

"No Gram-maw.  I am in Chicago.  You have to wire me money or I am going to have to spend a week with the nastiest people you ever saw.  I am afraid all of them are gonna (in a whisper) rape me." 'Billy' texted.

"Oh my!  How did you get in this terrible mess?  Why didn't you call your dad?" 'Granm-maw' asked.

"I was driving and didn't know the guys in back were drinking beer.  The cop pulled us over when one of the guys flipped her the bird.  I swear, grandmaw, I wasn't doing nuthin."  'Billy' texted.

Grandmaw replied, "You know I can't see too good...but I am still mad at you for not sending me a picture when you graduated.  I don't suppose you could send me one of those suffies or what ever they call them?"

"Sure, Gram-maw.  Give me a second." 

Gram-maw texted, "Well ain't that something.  Look at how big you are.  How come I can't see the tattoo you said you were getting?"

Billy, "'Cause its on my chest."

Gram-maw, "Well, after giving you $1500 to pay for it I think you ought to send me a picture of that too?'

"Sure thing, Gram-maw.  It is on the way."

A couple minutes later.  "Yup, Billy, that sure is a beauty.  You know I don't keep that kind of money around the house but I can have it tomorrow.  Is there any way you can call me again?"

Billy, "I'm not sure.  What time are you going to have it?"

Gram-maw, "I reckon about 10:30.  I don't get up and around like I used to."

"OK." Billy.


Ring, ring, ring.

"Hello.  FBI."

"Hello Sharon.  This is Mrs D.V.  Can I talk to Billy?"

"You bet, Mrs D.V.  Agent Billy coming right up."

"Hi Grandmother, what can I do for you?" Agent Billy.

"I got another one of those calls.  He claimed to be my grandson named "Billy".  I did an inverse image look-up and he might be Omar al Sayood of Battle Creek, Michigan.  At least the owner of a Facebook account with that name looks exactly like him.  I also have a picture of his chest tattoo that he texted me. "

"He is going to call at 10:30 tomorrow morning.  Can you send an agent around for my cellphone...chain of evidence and all that?"

Agent Billy, "Sure thing, Grandmother.  Do you want us to try and whack him for fraud or embezzlement?"

Grandmother, "No.  My guess is that he is a recent immigrant.  I think impersonating a Federal Agent should be grounds for deportation.  Just because I am old, vote Republican and have a few dollars in my bank account doesn't mean I am stupid."


My 85 year old mom gets these kinds of calls on a frequent basis.  She worries that she might start to slip (mentally) and fall for one of these scams someday.  She says, "It is hard to tell for sure who you are talking to on the phone because all of the kids mumble now days."  I thought I would have a little bit of fun with how some of them might turn out.

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