Monday, May 11, 2020

When folks go on a diet

Life is going to get interesting around here.

Belladonna and Mrs ERJ are going on a diet.

Belladonna was talking about salmon (which is allowed on this diet). She asked me, "Dad, do you have scales?"

I responded "So you can weigh portion sizes?"

"No. The portion size for a serving of salmon is three scales." Bella said.

Their "boxes" came today. A month's worth of food fits in a box the size of a 4th grader's summer-weight sleeping bag.

They were reading the labels on the food packages: "Blueberry cream-cheese swirl cake". Looking at the size of the package I deduce that it is a tea-bag. "Golden Chocolate chip pancakes", "ginseng ginger chicken bullion cube (singular)", "Chocolate-cherry ganache bar with a dried cherry, pomegranate pulp and a chia seed".

"Our special diet is low in fat, carbs, salt and protein."

I think there are going to be some grumpy folks around here.


  1. You're welcome to come visit Montana until sanity returns to your particular corner of Eaton Rapids. I can personally attest to the fact that salmon scales are pretty small - so much so that no one I know after 20+ years in SE Alaska scales salmon. Going to be some slim pickins for Belladonna.

    1. What hooked Mrs ERJ and Belladonna is a mutual acquaintance lost 97 pounds in nine months. She gave glowing accounts regarding how quickly and easily the weight melted away.

      It was difficult to assess from the pictures exactly how much weight she lost. For one thing, orange is a distracting color and the cut of the cover-alls were not very revealing.

      She remains optimistic even though the menu of her not cater to her diet plan. She hopes that her new attorney will be able to make some bargains. After all, institutions should make accommodations for widows.

      And the rat-bastard was asking for it, eating chocolate almond ice cream in front of her.

    2. Just hold on to the hope that they don't decide to follow the exact same plan...we all enjoy your writing and hope to be reading your stories for years to come.

  2. There's NOT a lot of food in those portions.

  3. My wife is in one of those weight loss groups like A A for eaters. They hold meetings on line and by phone. Their basic technique is No Sugar, Wheat or Flour. Lots of veggies, meat and leafy stuff. All they want. It does work. If your wife or Belladonna want to know more let me know and we can hook them up. --ken

  4. I foresee ERJ spending a lot of time out in the woods, "working".

  5. Find a secret place that no one else knows about. Put your munchie stuff there and consider locking it up. Accept what is inevitable:
    1. You are not dieting
    2. Snack food & treats in plain sight, on the shelf, is the equivalent of crack cocaine to a dieter.
    3. Snack food & treats, hidden in findable stashes is the equivalent of crack cocaine to a 'jonesing' dieter in withdrawal.
    4. Be discreet with your consumption.
    5. Be gracious and unremarking when they give it up, which (in my experience) they have a >90% chance of doing.

    The only way to lose weight is to eat less. It's free!


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