Friday, August 31, 2018

Fake News Friday: Eat poultry and live forever

A cutting edge research scientist recently discovered a compound in seagulls that prolonged life in mammals.

Furthermore, he discovered that the younger the gull, the richer it was in these families of immune system boosting compounds and antioxidants.

He extrapolated that if a mammal were exclusively fed newly hatched seagulls it was theoretically possible to completely halt the effects of aging.  The mammal could live forever.

He applied for a grant from a large non-profit in Seattle, Washington and was awarded $66.6 million to pursue the research.

Considering the political ramifications of the research, he chose to perform the experiments on a small island.  The island was perfect because it was frequently fog shrouded and thus protected from prying eyes, even from drones.

The researcher's first challenge was to find a mammal that would not only eat seagulls but would thrive on them.  He quickly found out that dolphins were the only such mammal.  Fortunately, he had ample funds to build a dolphin holding tank at one end of the island and a gull hatchery on the other. 

Every morning, he would drive the truck to the hatchery, load it up with the newly hatched gulls and then drive to the other end of the island and proceed to feed them to his experimental subjects.

The operation ran like clockwork until one night when the lion escaped from the state zoo and swam across the narrow strait of water that separated the island from the mainland.  Unfortunately, the lion was lying across the two-track as the scientist was returning with a load of newly hatched seagulls. 

Bam!  The scientist's truck ran right over the lion.

In short order the island was raided, the scientist was apprehended and he and the principals of the Seattle Think Tank were thrown in prison for a very long time.

The charge:  Conspiring to transport young gulls over the state lion for immortal porpoises.

1 comment:

  1. Let's hear it for those Philippines delicacies, fermented duck embryos.


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