Fighting Fair

It is inevitable that two people who are living in close proximity with each other will have conflicts.

While every person has their own communication style, some habits are more likely to damage the relationship than others. 

In fact, healthy conflict resolution strengthens relationships. It builds trust and tells your partner "I can be a better person because I know my significant-other has my back"

So if you have a relationship that you value it is worth your time to brush-up on your "verbal fighting skills".

Keep it verbal

Getting physical is forbidden unless you are hugging and making up afterward.

Pounding on furniture will be seen as an attempt to intimidate the other person, If you get that frustrated then you need to call a time-out and go for a walk.

Do not attack your partner's character

Stick to the event that triggered the conflict or the conditions that created the pent-up energy. Better yet, share what you personally observed and articulate how that made you feel. Joy Reid and Whoopie Goldberg's opinions have no place in this discussion.

We can guide future events or conditions. We cannot change character. If their character is so defective, leave.

Avoid criticism

Be aware that you are positioning yourself as "superior" when you criticize because you are unilaterally acting as judge, jury and jailer.

When criticizing, you are acting as if the universe and God Himself appointed you as arbiter of all things human. Perhaps his/her action was beyond-the-pale in your family but it might have been perfectly acceptable in theirs.

Shut-up and listen.

Avoid contempt at all costs

Your partner had REASONS for what they did. If you are even a little bit dismissive of their reasons then you are placing yourself into the role of parent and them into the role of child.

It is a chore to stuff a sock in snarky sarcasm and mockery if you work in an environment where that is the typical mode of communication. But do it anyway.

It is also easy to slip into the fire-for-effect mode of "You always..." "You never..." but those are sweeping generalizations that condemn character. Don't do it.

Contempt poisons the long-term dynamics of your relationship.

Do pay complete attention to your partner while they are speaking. Turn off the teevee. Turn off your phone. Shut the laptop. 

Do active-listening (that is, ask questions, paraphrase) until you are both sure you heard the message the other was attempting to convey. Keep at it. It is better to resolve one facet of a conflict than to cover 10 and resolve none of them. Skipping around usually results in the dumping of all ordnance and inflicting maximum pain with no resolution.

Do take turns. You will have your chance. Do not interrupt. Both of you have to be in agreement that it is the other's turn so-as to not penalize the partner who is more likely to ponder their words before speaking.

Do stick to one item at a time and resolve it before moving to the next. This is not a contest you win-or-lose. Do not cudgel your partner with every itty-bitty friction from the past six months. This is NOT about BEATING your partner.

Do stick to the actual facts of the event. You cannot know what they were thinking or their intentions or what they might do in the future. Observable facts only.

Do be honest in how your partner's actions and/or words impacted you. Do not speak for your mama or your children or the neighbor. You cannot speak for them. If you catch your partner doing this, call "Straw-man".

While the internet can be your friend in finding lists of rules for "fighting fair", the lists tend to be long and unwieldy.

If you only take away one thought from this post it should be that conflict with your partner points out a (potential) seismic fault-line to be remedied and that your partner is NOT an enemy to vanquish.

Hat-tip to Dorothy Grant and her short-story I Didn't Sign Up For This