Wednesday, July 26, 2017

How to write a bad book review

From Alinsky's Rules for Radicals 
Ridicule is man's most potent weapon
It is my intention to add to this tutorial as I gain more insight.

First, explain that you did not actually buy this book to excuse yourself from a "bad decision":
This book, A Thousand Pearls of Light by Willy Pete was given to me by my favorite  cousin, Nymphaea.
Then express the pain this book caused you while simultaneously signaling how sensitive you are:
It took me three pages to realize how terrible this book was.  I shrieked.  I tore the clothing from my body.  I had no relief until I poured bleach into my eyes.
Explain how you were tricked into reading it because you were sure it was something else:
My cousin Nymphaea is a graduate student at NSCC in Muscle Shoals, Alabama and I assumed that this book was either about the reproductive requirements of Obliquaria reflexa (Threehorn Wartyback clam) or a juicier, indie version of 50 Shades of Gray.
It was neither.
Having thoroughly established your impeccable credentials, launch into ad hominem attacks:
Mr Pete is undoubtedly one of those Neanderthals who longs for the return of the KKK, Jim Crow laws, Trial by Ordeal and the rollback of Women's Suffrage.  His rapid segue into the use of force to resolve differences of opinion proves that he is anti-diversity, an Islamophobe, drinks tap-water and kicks puppies.
It causes me mortal anguish to realize that there are still people in the world who do not understand that we cannot have peace until we all just slow down and take the time to understand each other's viewpoint.  Clearly, as a white cis-male, Mr Pete is one of those privileged few who can afford to indulge in those kinds of destructive military fantasies.  I have no doubt that he drives a Hummer or a diesel truck and does not believe in manmade global warming.
Nothing proves how angry you are by misspelling a few words:
I was so distressed that I thru this book at the recycling bin.  My frustration was conpounded when  it knocked over the chamomile tea that my mother was making for me to take with my meds.  I totallly blame Mr Pete for distresssing my momma.
Finally, end by showing that you bear no personal animus and that you hove to the high road for the entire review:
May he rot in hell.
Perhaps we can use this template to create some one star reviews that will get voted to the top of the "helpful" pile.


Readers who are willing to comment make this a better blog. Civil dialog is a valuable thing.