Unsubstantiated reports from Eaton Rapids, Michigan indicate that an amateur scientist found a way to exceed the speed of light.
Smedley Dorfenknocker, amateur ornithologist was experimenting with various concoctions for his hummingbird feeders. In his own words, "I stumbled onto something special just the other day. It was 10 Hour Energy Drink with a dash of Habanero, a sprinkle of boron and a freckle of thorium."
When asked how he knew that the hummingbird had exceeded the speed of light he responded, "The birds kept getting faster and faster. Then, one day there was a violet colored flash and a boom. Looking around I noticed that all of the clocks had been set back exactly one hour. Furthermore, every X-Ray plate in my house had been fully exposed. Close examination of the ground beneath the feeder showed an accretion of carbonaceous materials consistent with the fusion of Boron nuclei."
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