Official ERJ Holiday Gift Buying Guide

I know that many of my readers are baffled by what to buy the women in their lives, especially when it comes to jewelry and other trinkets.

I am here to help.

Fishing Lures

It is hard to beat a matched set of Royal Coachmen, one for each ear. Trout and salmon flies are the definition of elegant and pair well with tiny, clingy black dresses! There are times when "less" really is "more".

Women with PSDS* are the easiest women to buy for.

*PSDS: Pierced Ears (with a Boston accent)

If a woman is costuming to attract a man (you, we hope) then fishing lures are the ticket. Successful fishing lures don't have to catch fish. Nope. They have to catch fishermen who have not maxed out their credit cards. Most fishermen are men, ergo, fishing lures are good ornamentation to attract men.

The Mepps #2 Aglia with the classic silver blade and the salmon-egg body caught countless fishermen

The considerate gift giver removes the two extra hooks and crushes the barb on the remaining one.

Another classic is the Hellin Flatfish. I recommend the smaller one and two treble-hook versions. If you are dating a child of 30 or younger, it is permissible (but still in bad taste) to spray paint them with fluorescent colors.

If your lady is artistic, then it is hard to go wrong with genuine, Rapala lures.

The red-and-white Eppinger Dardevle Spoon is a holiday classic due to its festive colors. Just be ready to deliver if she takes you up on your dare.

Nuance is important

In general, stick-baits are OK even if they are small.

Rubber worms are a very bad idea, even if they are 8" long and grape flavored.

Precious metals

I could belabor the point but everybody has their favorites and there are a finite number of pixels in the world.

Electronics

These innocent-looking, little rascals are called "diodes"

As you see, these already have ready-to-bend wires installed which makes it simple to fabricate hooks for PSDS.

It is impossible to overstate the importance of the following. If she will be wearing them when spending time with you, then it is important that the be worn with the stripe closest to her ears.

If she is going out drinking with her girlfriends Chlo, Flo and Cherise (who have 7 divorces between the three of them) then it is IMPERATIVE that at least one of the diodes be worn with the stripe down.

If she is politically a conservative, then get her "resistors".

If she can decode the bands on the side of the resistor, propose immediately

Is your lady maddeningly indecisive? Then SCRs might be appropriate

SCRs only allow current to pass in one direction and then only after "gated" by the control leg. The flow self-extinguishes when the current direction attempts to reverse.

Two cautions: Be sure to install this device so the current flows in the direction you desire and NEVER let go of the control leg.

Miscellaneous

Contrary to popular belief, suppressors are not designed to make muzzles quiet

Suppressors are FLASH suppressors. That is, they keep your beloved from making a scene in public.

Caution, if used excessively, they become crazy-hot!

Final thoughts

If you look through her jewelry box to see what colors she favors and you see one of these, RUN!

Change your phone number and never look back.

Remember, we are on your side and we are pullin' for ya.