Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Exit Interview (Parody)

Boss:  Fill-in-the-blank, I want to thank you for your fill-in-the-blank years of service to current legal name of holding company.

Me:  Why did you call me "Fill-in-the-blank"?  You know my name.  And, by the way, I worked here for 32 years.

Boss:  I have been directed to read the script with no deviations.  Please do not ask any more questions that are not in the script. 

Me: Whatever.

Boss:  I am presenting you with a copy of our 156 page Retiree Transition and Benefits package.  Please look through it.  You may ask one question which I may or may not answer.  Please initial here _________ that you received the booklet, _________were offered time to review it, _________and allowed to ask one question.

Me:  Every page says the same thing: "Any detail may be changed at any time for any reason."  That is all each page says.  What's with that?

Boss:  That will count as your question.  Let me circle, with a blue ball point pen, the question you asked.

Boss: As a Corporation, we have a rigorous audit schedule.  We always pass our audits.  Other paperwork says we have a 156 page Retiree Transition and Benefits package.  It proved too difficult and expensive to coordinate the changes to all of the paperwork that refers to that package, so we wrote a generic package.

Boss: Please note that the Corporation retains the right to fire you retroactively...

Me:  What?

Boss: I directed you to not ask questions.

Boss:  Please note that the Corporation retains the right to terminate you retroactively.  You will be terminated in the event that you reveal Corporate secrets, embarrass the Corporation, interfere with the Corporation or any of its agents, or if you support any political candidate who may-or-maynot adversely impact any arm of the Corporation or support any political action that may-or-maynot  adversely impact any arm of the Corporation, or if you mention the Corporation's name in any internet posting or if the Corporate pension funding level drops below 80%....you will be retroactively terminated and such termination will be duly noted on your records.

Boss:  After you are terminated, legal action will be initiated to recover the pension checks and the Corporation's assessment of the fair market value of the benefits you (fraudulently) accepted.  The legal action will also recover the administrative costs associated with recovering those payments and benefits.

Me: No comment

Boss:  Please return the following items

Boss:  Radio
Me:  They stopped working.  You told me to use my personal cellphone
Boss: Please turn in your cellphone.  We will mail it back to you after we replace the SIM and otherwise scrub all messages, pictures, GPS coordinates and contacts.

Boss: Gate card
Me: It broke into three pieces when the card reader grabbed it.  You refused to replace it since I was scheduled to retire in nine months.  Besides, the vegematic no longer works and the Plant does not have budget to fix it.

Boss: Keys
Me: I don't have any keys. Nothing is locked.  It is that "open environment" idea.

Boss: Company credit card.
Me: Never issued.  You told me to buy my own gas on company trips and then to file an expense report....which requires a company credit card.

Boss:  Initial here________.

Boss:  You know, the reason that our Corporation is struggling is because of all you old, cynical employees.  Our great leader tells us that a New Day is coming as we transition to our Universal Business Model and we replace our staff with Contract Employees who are unpolluted with reactionary ideas of productivity and living wages.

Boss:  Please continue to buy our products and services and to recommend them to your friends.

Boss:  You have 12 minutes after this interview concludes to vacate the property before Criminal Trespassing charges are filed.  After that, you will be allowed another 6 minutes to clear the street in front of the property before Misdemeanor Loitering charges are filed.

Boss:  At this point in the interview the script says Fill-in-the-blank may wish us "Good Luck."

Boss: Form: S-A-Tire 2014-2-11

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