Monday, February 3, 2014

A Few Jokes to Lighten Things Up

Nebraska Wedding
At a wedding in Nebraska the D.J. yelled...
"Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."
The bartender was trampled and will be in ICU for at least three more days.

SEX
Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore…..
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.

Lance Armstrong
I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races, whilst on drugs.
When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my frig’n bike.

Drive By
A guy broke into my apartment last week. He didn’t take my TV, just the remote.
Now he drives by and changes the channels. Sick bastard!!

The Agony of Aging
On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my aging friend.
He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.
I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked - You're supposed to turn your clock back".

SCAM
Just got scammed out of $25. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes".
Turns out it's about golf. Absolute waste of money! Pass this on so others don't get scammed.

Pregnant Prostitute
Doctor asks pregnant prostitute, "do you know who the father is?"
"For gosh sake, if you ate a can of beans would you know which one made you fart?"

Grampa is Braindead
An elderly man had a massive stroke and the family drove him to the emergency room.
After a while the ER doctor appeared wearing a long face.
"I'm afraid Grandpa is brain-dead,but his heart is still beating."
"Oh, Dear God," cried his wife,
"We've never had a liberal in the family before!"

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