Your Wirecutta fix, five dolla

 

Bacon roses

I copied this recipe from a website that I don't remember. I love me some motherfucking tortillas but store bought ones are too damned thin. This is where I learned to make my own and I can vouch for it. The trick is to heat them to where you have burnt spots on them - shit, now I'm hungry! 

These tortillas have real body and taste. They are perfect for gorditas, fajitas and eating out of hand.


•2 cups all-purpose flour
•1-1/2teaspoons baking powder
•1 teaspoon salt
•2 teaspoons vegetable oil
•3/4 cup lukewarm milk (2% is fine)

Stir together the flour and baking powder in a large mixing bowl. Add the salt and vegetable oil to the lukewarm milk and whisk briefly to incorporate. Gradually add the milk to the flour, and work the mixture into a dough. It will be sticky.

Turn the dough out onto a surface dusted with flour and knead vigorously for about 2 minutes (fold and press, fold and press). The kneading will take care of the stickiness. Return the dough to the bowl, cover it with a damp cloth, and let it rest for 15 minutes. (This dough will not rise, but it needs a rest.)

Divide your dough into 8 balls of equal size, cover them, and let them rest again for about 20 minutes. Avoid letting them touch, if you don't want them to stick together.

Dust your work surface with flour. Working one at a time, remove each piece of dough and pat it into a 5-inch circle. With a rolling pin, roll out the tortilla, working from the center out, until you have a 7- or 8-inch tortilla a little less than 1/4-inch thick. Transfer the tortilla to a hot, dry skillet or griddle. It will begin to blister. Let it cook for 30 seconds, turn it, and let the other side cook for 30 seconds. Remove the tortilla, place it in a napkin-lined basket and cover with aluminum foil. Repeat for the remaining tortillas.

Although flour tortillas, like corn tortillas, are best if eaten right after they are made, these tortillas will freeze well. Wrap them tightly in plastic, and they will keep, frozen, for several weeks. To serve tortillas that have been frozen, let them thaw and come to room temperature, then wrap them in aluminum foil and heat them in a warm oven. Microwaving tends to toughen them.

 

Security tips

 Today I wanna talk about security. It's a no bullshit subject for me so if you're looking for a grin you might want to pass on this post.

   I've been described as a bit on the paranoid side - it may be the ex-dope fiend in me, I don't know. But while I was in that lifestyle I made a lot of fucking enemies (most of them are dead. I left the lifestyle, they didn't) and I took staying alive and unhurt pretty damned seriously.

   Today I'm gone from the house 14 hours a day during my work week and quite a few hours on my off time. No, I won't tell you when my work week is. Security, remember?

    Now I'm here to tell you that if a motherfucker wants you dead or wants your shit bad enough, he's gonna get it. The trick is to make it as difficult as you can to do this. Make him work for it.

   I'm gonna hit a few high points here and it's stuff that has worked for me at one time or another and most probably in the present. Old habits die hard and I'm still alive to write this.

ADVANCE WARNING

   I'm going to hit on dogs first and foremost. Get a dog or two.

   A dogs' hearing is on average 80 times better than a humans. They can hear shit coming that you can't see yet. Get a fucking dog and pay attention to it so you can tell when it's signaling. It may be it just lifting its' head, ears may raise or twitch, it may get up quietly and look at the door or window, it may go apeshit. It depends on the dog and how you train it. And yeah, you gotta train it.

   Pay attention to the dogs' habits. Inside the house CharlieGodammit howls or yips when he wants my attention, he barks when he's outside and wants my attention. He never growls. When he hears something on the sidewalk he lifts his head and cocks his ears. If they stop nearby, he gets up and looks at me for a quick second.

   Every dog will react to stimuli different unless he's trained to react a certain way. Train him or learn his habits.

   Hey, I don't know if you want a guard dog, an attack dog or just a companion. That's your choice. But get a fucking dog.

   But I'm going to give you some advice: Unless your dog is completely passive, it will protect you with its' life if they feel you're being threatened, be it a mastiff or a chihuahua. And it will instinctively protect children. But what you need to do is make sure it knows the pecking order in the household. The man first, the woman second (fuck womens' lib, we're talking instinct here) and the animal HAS to be third.

   Security lights. Nothing says "Fuck You, Go Away" like security lights. Cops hate 'em as much as criminals because it exposes their position to the bad guys, but you know what? I don't give a fuck. The crooks have been there first or the law wouldn't be there at all. Criminals love darkness. They can do what they want without worrying about being seen. Turn on the lights, the motherfuckers are gone.

   Security lamps are fairly easy to install if you can read. They come with instructions, but if you're unsure PLEASE hire a certified electrician to install them. It's easy and won't cost you much.

   But security lights can be a pain in the ass if you don't know what you're doing because they turn on and off all the time. A fucking bat, an Evil Cat wandering by to shit in your flower bed, a homeless guy looking for a place to crash, somebody that wants to kill you in your bed and buttfuck your sweetie will all trigger the sensor. So take a few minutes, get a tight bro to help you out and set the sensitivity on the motion detector so that only a human will set it off.

   Me? Every side of my house has a security light. And when they go on, I check it out them from an unexpected approach.

   If you're really paranoid, get some video cameras. I'm not going to get into that because I don't know shit about it and besides, I know my dog. I don't need a video camera.

VEHICLES

   Car Alarms: Hey, they were a great idea when they first came out, but when I hear an alarm in the night nowadays it just pisses me off. Lock your fucking car doors, put your car in the garage, park it next to your bedroom, whatever. Carry full coverage on your car, buy a club, whatever you gotta do. But a really good tip to keep your ride from being stolen is to install a hidden (key word is hidden) power cut-off switch between the battery and the starter. Even if the thief punches your ignition he won't have any power to start you car. Again, it's easy to do but if you're nervous, have a mechanic do it for you.

   Lock your doors when you're in you're vehicle. Always. If I have to explain this, you're fucking stupid and deserve to get carjacked.

   Leave room between your car and the car in front of you so you can escape at a stoplight. Even if you can't get out, you can fuck up the crackhead trying to 'jack your shit by pinning him or knocking him off his feet. And along the same line of thought, don't be afraid to thoroughly fuck up your car if your life's threatened. Seriously. Slam into the car in front of you, beside you and the fucking granny behind you if it'll save your life. A car is a thing, your life is your life.

Stay the fuck away from the bad part of town if you can avoid it. I'm sorry, but if you're on Cesar Chavez or Martin Luther King Boulevard, chances are you are where you shouldn't be unless your buying heroin, that is. And if you are, get the fuck off my blog.

HOUSE AND YARD

   Buy a safe, especially if you own guns. You can get a decent one for under $500 at your local gun shop. When you get it home, bolt it your floor. If Bobby Burglar wants it, he'll get it but it's gonna take some time. You're out to make it hard for him, remember?

Not only can you store your firearms in it but you can store your Sweetie's jewelery, important papers, all kinds of good shit. But realize that if you get burglarized and they don't get into your safe they may kick in your door later and try to force you to open the safe. If that happens, shoot 'em.

   Buy a security door. When I got mine, it was 100 bucks. Yeah it was kinda sorta a pain to put up (read one of my very first posts in the archives) but motherfuckers, I sleep a hell of a lot better at night now. But take some advice that I wish somebody had given me: Buy a white one. Why? White reflects light. Nobody can see inside your house when you're letting the cool evening breezes in and only have the security door shut. With a black one, any JW, Mormon, tweeker or other dregs of society can see inside.

Fence your property off, front and back, with gates. Anything that will slow the bad guys down will make them think about it. Believe me, even if you only have one of those faggy white picket fences covering your front yard, he'll take your neighbors' place first.

Turn on your porch light. Mine's on from dusk to dawn - your local hardware store has the automatic fixtures for that  for under 10 bucks - and while my neighbors' porches have had their plants and porch furniture ripped off, mine never has. Remember, thieves hate light.

   Insure your valuables. Lots of people don't realize that firearms aren't covered under Renter's or Homeowner's insurance. No shit. But my Valuable Personal Items (guns, scopes, etc) are covered under a rider through my vehicle insurance. They're covered against theft (no matter if it's from my home, vehicle, or tent) AND damage. That's right, if I drop my rifle and fuck up my scope, I can file a claim and cover REPLACEMENT cost, not what I paid for it. No shit. And it only costs me 60 bucks a year. It's well worth it. Call your vehicle insurance company tomorrow and see if they offer riders like that. If they don't, hit the "contact" button on my profile and I'll send you the name of my insurance company.

   Guns. Fuck, if you are a regular visitor here, you know that I always have a couple of loaded guns laying around, usually one within reach at all times. At night, I have a loaded revolver (more about that in a second) on the bed stand and a 12 gauge shorty hanging next to my bed. I also have CharlieGodammit sleeping in my room. Ain't no motherfucker sneaking up on me.....

   If you sleep with a gun at hand, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE drill with it. Know what to do when it malfunctions because you know it's gonna happen when you're half asleep and some motherfucker is jamming you. And that's the reason I sleep with a revolver. I carry a 45 automatic during the day, I sleep with a 38 Special at night. Even though I've carried a 45 for 25 years, I truly don't know if I can perform an immediate action drill when I'm woke up from a dead sleep. If a revolver doesn't fire at the pull of a trigger, then I just pull the trigger again. No dropping the magazine, no flipping it on it's side and racking the slide, just pull the motherfucking trigger as I'm reaching for the shorty with the other hand to do some real damage.

   Don't buy the gun and put it at your bedside. Drill until it's instinctive. Know where the kids' room is so you avoid firing in that direction. Drill, drill, drill. And do us both a favor. Read the blog and buy the books written by Mossad Ayoob. He's an expert on home defense and has forgotten more about home defense that I will ever know.

   Okay. There are certain guns in my house that are always loaded and there are certain guns in my house that are NEVER loaded. My shorty is loaded with 4 buck and I will never ever load a rifle of any kind or 40 caliber magnum revolver in my house. Why? Rifle and large bore magnum bullets travel through walls - many walls. I live in town and seriously don't want to hurt or kill a neighbor.

   Vary your routine as much as possible. Come home at different times. Never come into your neighborhood the same way every time.

   Never get out of your car right away. Always check your mirrors before you get out. Check to see if the boogyman is sneaking up on you.

   Get to know your neighbors. Learn their names and after (and only after!!!) you get to know them, let them know your routine and exchange numbers. Let them know when your routine changes and for damned sure let them know when you're going out of town and let them know you're willing to do it for them.

OTHER SHIT
  
Be aware of your surroundings at all times. I can't believe how many fucking youngsters I see walking down the street with their heads up their asses while texting or listening to their MP3 players. I mean, they're completely oblivious to the world. When I walk down the street my head is on a swivel. When I'm driving, I can tell you at any given moment the color and make of any car around me as well as the number of people in it.

Get you fucking head out of your asses, people. Know what's going on around you at all times.

Men, if you're in a crowded environment, make sure your woman isn't walking on your gun hand side and that you also have your off hand on her purse. Carry your wallet in your front pocket with your ID and credit cards in your buttoned shirt pocket. That way you won't lose everything when your pocket gets picked.

Ladies, carry your purse in a secure manner. Don't make your man take all the responsibility for safeguarding it. He'll feel like shit if it gets ripped off.

One other thing: If you're on public transportation on some dude starts hollering "Allihu Akbar!",
GET THE FUCK OFF THE BUS!!!!!!

Okay. Be safe.