A little East of Paris: What is a Barbecue Gun?

Gwain picked up his phone as he stirred half-and-half into his second cup of coffee. Jana was reading the Saturday edition of the Washington Post.

Looking at the display, he saw that it was Dr von Tersch, the head of the Writing Department.

“I hope I didn’t catch you sleeping” Dr. von Tercsh started out, “but Debbie told me to try and catch you before you made too many plans for the day.”

That had an ominous sound to it.

“Are you OK if I put you on speaker? I am sitting with Jana, my wife and we are just finishing up breakfast” Gwain responded.

“Sure, put her on speaker and I will do the same with mine” von Tersch said, agreeably.

“Its Dr. von Tersch” Gwain told Jana in a stage whisper.

“OK” von Tersch took control of the conversation “I am here with my wife Debbie and we looked at the weather report and decided that it was past time to have a barbecue out at the ranch. We know it is short notice and that you are still getting settled-in so we will understand if you cann’t make it.”

Jana looked at Gwain and nodded her permission. She understood faculty politics and when your boss invites you to a party, you go.

“What can we bring?” Jana asked.

A woman’s voice responded “Bring wide-brimmed hats and whatever you like to drink. There will be some beverages provided but if there is anything special you want to drink, you best bringing it.”

“What about a dish-to-pass?” Jana asked.

“Tell ya what. This time around just plan on showing up and mingling. There will be folks from the Department, and some neighbors. Who knows, maybe the Dean will even show up” von Tersch said.

“Folks will start showin’ up around 2:00-2:30. Food will be served around 5:00 and we will start wrapping up around 8:30, ‘course if you have other commitments or get tired you can leave any time you want” von Tersch assured them.

That sounded like an extremely long party to Gwain.

Debbie must have intuited their hesitation. “There will be plenty to do. Sonny manages our ranch and he would love to take you for a ride around the property in the UTV. The water is a little bit cold but the bass might be biting if you like fishing. We have a veranda around the ranch-house with porch swings. Might even be a little bit of music with guitars and what-all. Once it gets dark we will light a fire.”

Gwain looked over at Jana. He REALLY didn’t want to get her overly-tired.

Jana nodded her affirmation again.

Gwain responded “We will probably show up a little bit later, maybe 3:30 or 4:00. Jana is still recovering from the surgery and I had quite a week. So we might not stick around much past the meal...if that is OK with you?”

Debbie shot her husband a dirty look. She had advised against the party but had been overridden. Putting on her syrupiest, Southern Belle drawl she said “An we-alled be glad to have ya for whatevah time you kin spare” and then sprinkled the comment with a shower of silver-sleighbells laughter.

And all was right with the world.

After hanging up on Gwain’s call, von Tersch called the Dean. “I got a hold of Professor McCampbell and he accepted the invitation to the barbecue.”

Debbie only half-heard what Dean Fuchs said in reply. His voice was low and gravely and didn’t transmit well, given the limitations of the phone’s speaker.

She was willing to bet that there was now an almost 100% chance that Dean Fuchs* would be at the barbecue.

Even though she and her husband traveled in the same social circles as the Dean and his wife Candice, the demands on the Dean’s time meant that they didn’t see all of that much of him. That had not always been the case. Fifteen years ago, the couple had been very close.

But as the years passed and both men had risen within the ranks of the University, they had both been torn by the conflicting demands of University (and by extension, external) politics and basic, human decency.

Initially, it had caused her pain and anguish to see her husband, a upright and practicing Christian, torn on the horns of the dilemmas and having to make very hard decisions.

It took years before she found peace. The leader of her Bible Study group had been instrumental in helping Debbie see that the parables of the boats and the storms applied to her husband, and by extension, to her. Life was fraught with peril and challenges. But who better to face the storm than a Godly man?

However, she had never gotten used to some of the intricate, Machiavelian scheming.

Dr von Tersch then texted Gwain the address of the ranch and included the list of clothing Debbie had suggested. Then he added one more item that they could bring.

Reading the text to Jana, he got to the end of it and asked “What is a ‘Barbecue Gun’?”

“It must be one of those gizmos that you can use to inject marinade into chicken” Jana speculated. “We can pick one up at the HEB on the way there.”

 

*Pronounced "FOX". I know how some of you guys think.