Leadership, authority and emotional intimacy

The three topics in the title have certain parallels.

Historically, emotional intimacy was nurtured by one partner making a small, calculated risk and the other partner not abusing that trust. Then, the other partner would reciprocate. Those "risks" often involved information or sharing a vulnerability.

Leadership involves relationships and it involves trust. That domain of leadership is built the same way that emotional intimacy is built; a little bit at a time. Small tasks are assigned and the "followers" attempt to execute the task. It could be as simple as a uniform inspection. The leader's response (focus on resolving shortcomings or berating the person who failed) either grows or diminishes the relationship.

In turn, the "follower" will uncover obstacles to the tasks and feeds them back to the leader. If the leader is realistic in his responses then the relationship grows.

Sometimes the best response is "I think you have what it takes to overcome that obstacle. I will back you if you fall short because it will be a shared failing." Other times the obstacle will involve lack of access to resources needed to overcome the obstacle. If the leader uses his authority to find those resources in an expeditious manner, then the team responds by absorbing the Get Stuff Done attitude.

Like emotional intimacy, there are boundaries to Leadership. I don't let my wife put my tools away (especially when I am in the middle of a project) because it is very frustrating to not put out my hand and "find" my tool where I left it.

Likewise, there are some problems that are outside of the Leadership-Team where it is inappropriate for the leader to become involved. The Leader might make some adjustments so the team-member can buy a car or take a kid to the doctor when they were scheduled to be on-the-clock...but the Leader doesn't DO those things for the team-member.

This part of leadership is an art. If the leader does this too often, then the team suffers because the other members of the team are over-extended when the team-member who was given the "favor" is out-of-battery. There is also the risk that the "favors" will be seen as favoritism which is poison to teams. In either case, the team becomes resentful and less effective.

I had one employee, Kimmie, who was badgering me for a favor. She said I owed it to her because she said "I have done so much for you!" and then she listed all of the things she claimed to have done out of personal loyalty. 

In fact, the things she listed were core job responsibilities and nothing more than what she was being paid to do and that is what I told her. Favor denied.

In another situation, I had a team-member who was militantly (but not flamboyantly) gay. He informed me that the bathroom stall where he did-his-business at break was filled with violent anti-gay graffiti. That has not place in the workplace, just as violently anti-straight graffiti does.

I called housekeeping and they told me that they were aware of the issue but their cleaners would not touch the marker. I went over their heads and explained the situation and demanded that the stall be repainted that weekend (about $2000!)

The next morning the graffiti had magically disappeared. Somebody found a cleaner that was able to remove the ink.

I didn't do it for the team-member. I did it for the team. I am not sure if I communicated that very well, but I could not afford to have one team-member that distracted when he is supposed to be working.

Ironically, the best way to gather personal loyalty is to build the team and make the team-members loyal to, and protective of, the team and the mission. The loyalty that is given to you will be a reflection of that loyalty to the team. 

Frankly, that kind of loyalty has more "transportability" than personal loyalty because people talk. You will not be dragging team-members along with you as your responsibilities change but if your new-team hears about your commitment to "the team and mission" you will have less skepticism to overcome in your new role.