Friday, April 5, 2019

Fake News Friday: Border Patrol investigating Swine as K-9 officers

Training in Northern Minnesota
The Border Patrol recently announced they were investigating the use of hogs (Sus scrofa domesticus) as replacements for dogs in certain situations.

One of the major issues encountered by K-9 officers along the southern border has been their short careers. Dogs' expected service life is exceedingly short due to environmental stresses like cacti thorns, broken glass and razor-sharp rocks that chews up their paws. Sadly, Border Patrol dogs are also targeted by the illegal aliens crossing the border.

Animal experts predict that selected strains of police pigs will have a service life between two and three times as long as the most common breeds of dogs.

Young Border Patrol Hogs playing.
Research is progressing rapidly. Currently the most promising selections are crosses between the relatively small Vietnamese pig and the Zimbabwe Black Windsnyer, an athletic hog with extreme heat resistance, an excellent sense of smell and six inch tusks. This cross has been shown to top out at a relatively petite 300 pounds, can run at 35 miles an hour for short distances and easily fits in a police cruiser.


  1. Okay, I checked the calendar to make sure it wasn't the first of the month. I like the idea-you get bacon at the end of its service life. Reminds me of some sheepherders here using llama's instead of dogs. Bizarre, but it seems to be an improvement.

    1. An additional advantage is that a certain subset of the illegal aliens would find the idea of being tracked and gnawed on by swine to be particularly repulsive.


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