It is prudent to assume that there is an institutional bias that favors the woman's side of the story in cases of domestic violence. That may not always be true but it is prudent to assume that you will be at a disadvantage if you are a man and the neighbors call the cops.
The reason for the bias is that the verbal realm is he-said-she-said. On the other hand, physical evidence typically substantiates the woman's version "He hit me" while it rarely substantiates the man's version "She hit me first". She has bruises. He does not.
Thousands of repetitions over the decades make it a "fact" or a foregone conclusion in the collective minds of the legal system. "Women are verbal and try to settle differences with words. Men hit."
As a man, it is something we just have to accept and deal with.
Slippery Slope
We were made for each other. Men need women and women need men. Or more precisely, a man need one woman...but which one?
If you get the wrong one it can be fine for a while but when it goes south, it can go that way very quickly.
While every couple is different, the literature suggests that the man should grab his hat and head for the door if:
- She gets physically violent. The exception to that rule is if the violence is "play" that both agree upon beforehand when involved in certain couple activities.
- Her verbal attacks veer into one of the three "third rails": Attempting to provoke Jealousy, Envy or Shame.
A short story
The woman who "did" my youngest daughter's hair had a sixteen-year-old-son. She shared custody of the son with his father who lived in Florida.
The son romantically connected with a young lady in Florida via social media. He begged his mother for a ticket to "...go visit his father..."
Young Romeo showed up on the doorstep of his romantic interest. The young woman's live-in boyfriend stepped out the door and stabbed him in the chest multiple times. The Romeo did not make it to the hospital.
Juliet had been using Romeo as a way to torque-up her boyfriend, as a way to punish him for not giving her enough attention. Romeo was a pawn.
End short story
Jealousy, Envy and Shame are the depleted uranium rounds in the woman's arsenal. She knows they will pierce you stem-to-stern and she is using them for kill-shots. HER GOAL IS TO HURT YOU OR GOAD YOU INTO PHYSICAL VIOLENCE.
Secondarily, introducing a third-party into discussions introduces huge amounts of noise and chaos. If her goal is to have you get home on-time every third Wednesday so she can go to her manicure appointment, the real issue is buried when she brings up your handsome neighbor Daniel who makes $299k a year working from his apartment.
Your mileage will totally vary, but two important stakes in the ground are
- She gets physically violent. The exception to that rule is if the violence is "play" that both agree upon beforehand when involved in certain couple activities.
- Her verbal attacks veer into one of the three "third rails": Attempting to provoke Jealousy, Envy or Shame.
Grab your hat and run. If you think the relationship is worth salvaging, you can do it while sleeping on your buddy's sofa.
ERJ, thankfully I have not ever had to deal with anything like this.
ReplyDeleteI did a quick search - it is hard to find relevant data on a single search, but I did find one statistic from 2022 that listed as 1 in 4 women and 1 in 7 men. I also found a study summary from 2016 that more women were affected than men, but in that year the amount of men impacted had increased.
If I had something to tell these men, it would simply be that there is no reason you have to live like that. It feels like death to be alone - I get that, more than most - but being alone is not the worst feeling in the world. And somewhat surprisingly, there really are lots of great women out there. Sometimes it takes patience and a willingness to go where they are to find them.
National Domestic Abuse Hotline: (800) 799-SAFE (7233)
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=H9AchWro7qc&pp=ygUjRGVzaWduZWQgdG8gYmVEZXZpbCB0aGUgZGF5cyBvZiBtZW4%3D
ReplyDelete“physical evidence typically substantiates the woman's version”, Er … au contraire.
ReplyDeleteFor many years I worked ER and the nightly toll of “domestic violence” ‘victims’ was notably biased towards the female. But, what everybody involved knew was … the ‘combat’ was almost always “mutual”, was almost always ‘initiated’ and ‘escalated’ by the female (to the extent it continued in the department – female attacking male) and … the ‘only’ reason for the female ‘dominance’ of the attendees was because whilst ‘they’ attended with bruises and breaks (although the vast majority were ‘mussed hair’ and exaggerated injuries – any way to ‘record’ their victimhood, whilst men took any slight opportunity to deny theirs), the men attended with severe burns, poisoning or … were just BID (brought in dead).
There are rare exceptions but men, on the whole (yes even the thugs) have ‘restraint’ regarding violence towards women (either inborn, realised or imposed – by ‘culture’ or the legal system), women have no such thing in regard to violence towards men (and are in fact supported, encouraged and rewarded for acting in such a manner by every institution, organisation and ‘cultural assumption’ out there).
“Lies, damned lies and statistics”. There is, literally, a mountain of evidence out there that everybody involved is aware of, yet it is all obfuscated, manipulated and denied to maintain the matriarchal/mercenary-victimhood narrative.
The ‘fact’ is “domestic violence” figures ‘would’ be closer to 50/50 ‘if’ they included like-for-like, excluding the ‘mutual/co-dependant’ types the majority of victims are men (and really, don’t get me started on the ‘woman manipulates another man/men into doing the deed’ thing, which is so common it’s a joke), and if they viewed severity of injury/outcome then … men would be the true victims ever, single, time.
So, as you say, if she displays even the slightest tendency towards manipulation, playing the victim, let alone violence then … run, fast, do not look back, do not stop at Go, and keep running (you ‘will’ be portrayed and treated as the criminal, whatever the truth, and … you may not survive her escalation).
[Oh, and ‘do not’ return. Women have been criticised for ‘remaining in a broken relationship’, when except for the exceptional circumstances it is only broken because they broke it (hint: she isn’t a victim of a “bad man” when she deliberately, intentionally ‘chooses’ only bad men to throw herself at), but the truism remains … if somebody ‘is’ capable of acting in such a manner, they ‘will’ act in such a manner, again and again and again. No such ‘relationship’ is worth ... potentially your life].
I know it sounds as if I am now a confirmed misogynist, but I’m really not. There are many (maybe even a majority) of ‘good’ women out there. The ‘problem’ isn't women, the problem is the ‘system’. Divorce et al is such an issue, not because women are ‘all’ manipulative, vindictive mercenary b*tches, but because the system is such that they ‘can’ act ‘rationally’ and with purely self-interest (although with a massive amount of selfish lack of thought), are in fact encouraged and rewarded for doing so. Similarly, violent manipulative women aren’t the real issue, the problem is a system that is specifically designed to encourage and reward those who do.
[There is another truism, that men resort to violence to settle 'issues', women to 'social shaming/ostracising/rumour and innuendo and destruction of reputation'. This is merely an extension of that, where men are denied rights, family, support, excluded for ... not doing/being what the woman wants or ... just because she can].
"Don't go back" is also a lesson in Exodus.
DeleteOur son is in that cesspool; while not blameless himself, the system did not see her giving him a broken nose, busted eardrum, concussion, etc. as 'first strike' in the times the LEOs came out over the years. His character is rough, so that didn't help him win any points in the divorce hearings, with the powers that be determining that she's totally the victim. The *itch wound up making sure he will be perpetually poor, and despite having child visitation rights, has withheld that right with no consequences for a year now. He remains a deeply bitter person, praying for my acceptance of 'His will be done'
DeleteEverything anon 0905 said is true.
DeleteWhen social services would come to my scene, even when I told them straight up, " the female is the suspect" they would still go to her and give her all the options.
I threw more than one out of my crime scene.
My advice
The first time you are a victim, after that you are as much to blame as the other.
Leave while you can.
As sad as your sons situation is I empathise (been there, done that, ...).
DeleteWar games - the only way to win is ... to not play the game.
He has to grieve and accept the inevitable (nothing he can do will improve things, and if he continues to fight and hope, he will only destroy himself - the real aim, women want and expect a man to fall apart 'without them' and if he doesn't, they'll do everything in their power to ... make him).
Walk away (the children will find him in time, mine did). Alimony? It was 'easy' for me, she destroyed my career, ran up debt, friends and family abandoned me (until years later, and I told them where to go then), so I lived under a bridge for months. Become unemployed if necessary, refuse any 'access' (it's always only so she can 'socialise' on his money anyway, that and another rod to beat him with - she demands them for the money, so she should have them 24/7/365 and 'all' the costs and responsibility too).
Then, move (if necessary) and start again. Wipe the slate clean, don't hang on to the anger and ... live well (the best revenge).
Truly the happiest moment of my life was when my son returned. The second when his mother, seeing me with a 'real' wife and family, new career, well off, healthy and happy ... she nearly stroked (her, now over the hill, alone, in debt, and abandoned by those who now know what she's like).
The level of bi**h exhibited by a woman only ever ratchets up, never down. As a young man, if you see her becoming bi**hy before the wedding put the brakes on hard. If it happens after the wedding (most common) you need to seriously evaluate what you hope to get out of this relationship, especially in light of the bi**hyness.
ReplyDeleteBankers say "Your first loss is your best loss." It is about throwing good money after bad. Don't waste your life with a bi**h!
As a nurse for over 23 years and worked enough ED, I can attest to those views and stats Anon at 9:05 am suggested. Many times men come in with injuries and being a man and also a Behavioral Therapist knew how to coax out the "real" story. Most times it didn't need to as the female was present and did continue the battle in ER... Many times because of my Behavioral status I could initiate a psychiatric hold and if police present had to arrest her and escorted to the Acute unit and put in restraints if need be. That was a 72 hour cooling off period! If police were not present, I would call a hospital psych take down and enough male nurses, techs and other female nurses would basically pig pile until we could get her(him) in restraints and if especially violent or combative, shoot her up with enough Haldol or Ativan to mellow her out.
ReplyDeleteThanks for commenting!
DeleteYou and folks like Anon 9:05 keep it real.
I owned a bar/restaurant 40& years ago and saw a lot of man/woman fights. They were nearly always started by the woman. And the woman would call the cops and blame the man. I went to court several times the next morning to tell the judge what really happened. --ken
ReplyDeleteReading the comments, I have to wonder if my son's extended lack of interest in the female half of the species isn't a good idea.
ReplyDelete"mom" dropped me off when I was 3 months with aunt and uncle. She married when I was 4/5 yo. Having being raised with love it was a shock when I asked a question and got smacked across the room. After he put me in the hospital uncle started picking me up on Friday and Aunt would undress me to take pics. After 3 months of this including him pulling a gun ready to shoot both of us my aunt showed her the doc's to get custody. She divorced him and then told me it was my fault. Next year married another violent man. She was a whiner and nag it's true but he responded with fists. So as a child I slept with a knife under my pillow. Needless to say there was no love left in me for her nor nothing but contempt for him. Married and said never ever hit and he got pissed off on New Year's eve and swung but a friend was standing there and grabbed his fist before he could connect. We were divorced within 6 months. So when women tell me they stay because of the children is hogwash. I know enough of us, both male and female, that the base rock of emotion is disdain and intense dislike. You can smile and make nice but make no mistake, any of you, your children basically, underneath it all, hate you and will not cry at your funeral.
ReplyDelete