Friday, December 5, 2014

Stupid People are a special joy

Belladonna is learning about the special joy that stupid people can bring to your life.

Belladonna has always lived in and around stupid people.  For the most part, the stupid people have been reserved, mid-Western types.  Stupid hurts.  Reserved, mid-Western types are considerate enough to not share the hurt.

A new type of stupid is now on Bella's radar: The Stupid Busybody.  The Stupid Busybody is not content to stand in the corner in one small cone of stupid.  Nope.  They revel in leaving a plume of stupid everywhere they go, like the plume of smoke trailing a 1959 Buick.  The aerosoling particles of stupid permeates every pore and the stink lingers.  Mental Agent Orange.

Belladonna's Stupid Busybody will be known simply as "C."  Even stupid people deserve a bit of privacy.

C. has been pummeling Bella with diet advice gleaned from the internet and from his granola chomping aunt and pony-tailed uncle.

Didjya know that store-bought bananas are so devoid of nutrition that they kill people?  The non-organic bananas are filled with nerve poison.

People with severe renal (kidney) failure should not eat bananas because the potassium build-up messes up the ion exchange balance in neural gaps.  One fatality was ruled a suicide-by-banana after a despondent patient conned her family into bring her a large bunch of bananas by telling them how much she craved them.

C. mindlessly makes sweeping accusations about Bella's diet.  I am not the sharpest knife in the drawer but I know that nothing will get you on a girl's bad side faster than uttering a sentence with the word "diet" in it.  They read all kinds of implications into the motives of the speaker.

I am coaching Belladonna on Stupid People as I have had decades of experience with them.  It comes down to the fact that Stupid People rarely change so don't waste your time.  They are also genetically incapable of seeing stupid.  It is similar to red/green color blindness.  It is a disability. They are to be pitied.

Stupid People like to throw money away.  It gives them pleasure.  A smart person will not deny a Stupid Person the pleasure of throwing away their money.  Rather, we seek to maximize the total joy in the world...they like throwing it away, we like putting it in our pockets.

I reminded Belladonna that we have a basement full of organic pears that were fertilized by natural deposits of Goldfinch and Chickadee guano and ripened beneath the blessed caresses of the gentle, Michigan, September sun.  Happy fruit.  Worth at least $5 a pear.  We have hundreds of them.

But don't sell them to C. if he has renal impairment.  I don't want to be charged as an accessory in pear assisted suicide.

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