One of my commentors used the acronym "DARVO". Being a curious person, I looked into it.
DARVO stands for a style of argument:
Deny: Deny everything even when it is a demonstrable, provable fact. "I never said that." "I did not do that."
Attack: Attack the other party. It does not matter WHAT you attack him with. If it is not related to the argument then it will take him off-balance. "You are such a slob, leaving your things everywhere". "You are always imagining things". "You are stupid and can't keep facts straight".
Reverse Victim and Oppressed: Suppose you were shoplifting and were just detained by "Loss Control". After Denial and Attack, switch to "You followed me because I am an Old, White, cis-Hetero Man and you are oppressing me!!!" That deflects the attention back onto the other person and makes something that was objective, clear and cut-and-dried into a situation that is framed in relative terms which makes it ambiguous and emotional.
Why do people use this tactic?
The tactic works great for short-term gains but comes with very high mid-term and long-term costs.
If you are a psychopath or a sociopath or a narcissist, then the cost those tactics will have in your relationship are (essentially) invisible to you. You just don't care.
If you are ADHD and/or extremely stupid, then you are time-blind and "long term" does not exist, so the tactic appears to be essentially free.
If you grew up in a household, perhaps a single-parent one, and your mother used this tactic then this method is your "normal". You might not be a narcissist or have ADHD or be time-blind or be as dumb as a rock, buy you have seen this tactic work over-and-over-and-over again and because of your family-culture, you think it is an appropriate way to get what you want.
In theory, the last category can be trained to not use DARVO as their go-to preference for interpersonal relationships. That is the good news.
The bad news is that more kids are being raised in family environments where DARVO is the default mode of arguing, i.e. communicating.
DARVO is particularly attractive to people who feel relatively powerless and have little to lose by going scorched-earth. It is also attractive to people whose inner-lives are littered with mental chaos. DARVO levels the playing field for them. An example would be a single-parent who has serial relationships and is struggling economically and is facing food and housing insecurity.
Darvo and the scriptures about angry people and fools seem related.
ReplyDeleteI could post many scriptures, but the bottom line is walk away from them as to live a life of peace.
Michael the anonymous this am
"Food and Housing Insecurity" generally means piss poor planning, lack of foresight, and crappy resource management.
ReplyDeleteAnother way to say "Stupid people".
DeleteI can buy another couple of rounds of drinks for my drinking buddies on Friday night and then not have money for next Wednesday. Guess which choice stupid people make...every damned Friday.
Do you have a strategy to counter this mode of argument, beyond not participating/walking away?
ReplyDeleteIf you anticipate bumping into one of these landmines, have very firm boundaries. First, in your mind. Second, be able to verbalize them.
DeleteIgnore the attack and keep drilling them on the original target.
If they violated your space, for instance, tell them in short, simple declarative sentences "Stop! You do not have my permission to touch me. If you do it again, I will file a complaint." or promise them some other consequence. Then do it if they touch you again. An repeated, unwanted touch is called a "sexual advance".
H. Ross Perot called all of the other-stuff "Gorilla dust". It is dust male gorillas throw up in the air to make themselves seem larger.
A case that was in the news. The commentator called trans-surgeries to be similar to "cutting" by psychotic people and that it should not be paid for via taxes (or insurance).
The politician he was interviewing said "It is the same thing as circumcizsng the foreskin from a penis."
The commentator took the bait and went chasing after the tangent the pol trolled in front of him rather than drilling the politician on his original points,: permanent sterility and comorbidity with other mental illnesses (body dysphoria, anorexia, depression)
There was a waitress near here that would do that when she screwed up an order. Glad she left. ---ken
ReplyDeleteIsn't the acronym 'Reverse Victim and Oppressor'?
ReplyDelete