“This one, at last, is bone of my bones
and flesh of my flesh;
This one shall be called ‘woman,’
for out of man this one has been taken.”*
That is why a man leaves his father and mother and clings to his wife, and the two of them become one body. Genesis, Chapter 2
This post is intended to be descriptive rather than a prescription-to-fix the issue.
Is the root-cause of unhappiness due to arrested development?
Let me set the stage
Visualize Tarzan swinging through the jungle on vines. He leaps, grabs a vine that is in just-the-right-place, swings through the air and just as he is approaching the apogee he releases and grabs another vine. This is repeated until Tarzan reaches his destination.
With that visual firmly implanted in your mind...
Historically
When a child was born and for the first five years of life, his immediate family was his "center". It was the vine that supported and shaped him with grandparents and community providing minor support roles.
At the age of five, our intrepid nouveau-sapiens trudges off to school and encounters new waters to navigate. In spite of that, the immediate family remains the center even as ancillary connections develop.
That changes in about sixth grade which coincides (coincidence?) with the development of secondary sexual characteristics in caucasians. Cliques or "tribes" of like-aged adolescents formed along gender and and mutual interest.
Q: What has 16 legs, 16 arms, 8 mouths and half-a-brain?
A: Every lunchroom table in middle-school.
Core cliques seemed to average about five members with extended cliques averaging ten. That size may be a product of evolution as groups of five are effective hunting/foraging parties and that number is still a basis for military squads.
Key Point: Much to the bafflement of the parents, the child seemed to have completely detached from the family (except for demands for clothes and money) as she searched for her place in a new tribe. Tarzan had to let go of his first vine before he could grab the second.
The adolescent years were very dynamic and produced anxiety in many kids.
In late-adolescence, social "place" crystalized and the searching focused from "finding your tribe" to "finding your mate".
That was the second hand-off. Tarzan transitioned from the second vine to the third vine. Biff shifted his time and energy from the bro's to Suzy. The bro's opinions about the kind of vehicle he drove, the cut of the clothes he selected, where he spent his leisure time were dwarfed by Suzy's opinions.
Much to the bafflement of the bro's, Biff had completely detached from their gravity well.
If it hadn't been completed by the time Biff and Suzy got married, it was vaporized when the first child arrived.
And even though their opinions didn't matter, the tribe (and immediate family) still provided networking services: Information about job-openings, property for sale, investment opportunities, advice about reputable lawyers, parenting tips...
This happened for both men and women.
Today
The first switching of attachment starts earlier and is more aggressive. The three-year-old learns that Miss Rachel is pro-Palestinian and that the coolest people wear rainbow scarves. Significant separation from family starts in third grade, also coincidentally in timing with the earlier onset of secondary sexual characteristics (Estrogens in food? More body fat? Change in racial composition?). Even though the separation starts earlier and is turbo-charged by the messages that saturate media, the children's brains are no more developed than they were in 1955...perhaps even less developed.
By age 13, many adolescents are pairing up in a sexual way. While this might have been necessary in a stone-age village, it often happened with one partner being significantly older than the other. Today, the both partners are typically from a very narrow slice of ages and their mental models are dominated by the edgy, cynical, cheap-laugh, vacuous media they have been voraciously consuming.
Key Point: Because they started before they were mentally/emotionally ready and because their relationships are built on a media-formed expectation that all sexual relationships are temporary and doomed to fail, most young people today never completely separate from their tribe.
They are almost incapable of lifetime bonding with a mate. And the tribal-clique relationships are quick to dog-pile on any sign of a fault or fissure in those one-on-one relationships and destroy them. They claim they are "being supportive" when they are, in fact, miserable people who get angry when they see somebody else with a shot at happiness.
Multiple failed relationships leave both sexes angry, and bruised, and frustrated as key emotional needs are unmet.
People are in a state of arrested development because they left some bases untagged as they skipped through their progression. They find themselves standing on a ladder just tall enough to tickle the golden-apple with their finger-tips but not tall enough to pick that apple. Media promised them glamor and sparkling-joy if they followed a soap-opera, The View approved script and they got wrinkles, body-fat, Herpes and debt.
Bonus link courtesy of Coyote Ken
Grim viewpoint and probably accurate enough.
ReplyDeleteHarming children creates damaged adults that have no clue how to breed and raise the next generation of children.
Residual anger about not being loved enough might explain behavior to others especially elderly that get in their "Care".
Proverbs 12:10 NIV
The righteous care for the needs of their animals, but the kindest acts of the wicked are cruel.
Just sub in the weak, the ill or the elderly for animals. For folks as poorly raised as Koe is discussing think of OTHERS as less than THEM aka animals.
Protect your trusted friends and trusted family. They and faith in God gets you through times of troubles.
I can't disagree with anything. Sad advice that I'll probably give my kids when they're older is put off dating, and then when they do date have a care for dating/fam history. It's well enough to think "Oh we're just dating", but it's so easy for 3-5 dates to turn into a year and a year to turn into a "well shouldn't we move in" and you're off to the races.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure they'll call me a nouveau boomer, but don't start down a path knowing you don't want the ending. It's one thing if you don't know, uncertainty is part of life. But if you KNOW you don't want it, don't take that first step.
ERJ, the narrative is slowly breaking down that society as it has been over the last 20-30 years is not working.
ReplyDeleteAn essay came out in the New York Times this week: "Men, Where Have You Gone? Please Come Back’. It is paywalled, but there are a number of Youtube posts and articles now. I heard the whole thing read out loud. It is in some agreement with your description.
Hrmmppppffff.
ReplyDeleteThat would explain much of what we see today but... we have to remember that rampant family failure started with the Boomers back in the 70s. Their formative years would have been the 40's and 50's... do you think the causal factors go back that far, Joe?
I see the gloating memes they put up where they brag about drinking water from a garden hose, they listened to the coolest music and drove the coolest cars. To an extent they're right - they had much better societal influences then than we have today.
Your undoubtedly correct in much of it but I think apathy and sloth are pretty much mixed up in the decline too. Nobody gives a hoot anymore.
In the late 60s a flood of permissiveness came in : "do what feels good" and most did. The result was this 'Because that when they knew God, they glorified him not as God, neither were thankful, but became vain in their imaginations, and their foolish heart was darkened.' ...JoeRoy.
ReplyDeleteAEI posted a Washington Examiner article titled 'To Address the Mental Health Crisis, Tackle the Decline in Religion' authored by Naomi Schaefer Riley and Michelle Shain on Tuesday.
ReplyDeleteIt posits the mental health of Americans, especially young Americans, has declined in lock step with the decline in religiosity.
When someone in big city with major news station ask people on the street a question (as seen yesterday) How many countries in North America and she answered Europe and Asia. Young man asked question of current gen born in 1999 how old would they be and he replied, really old like 46. And this is just one or two of stupid people who don't know diddly squat about anything. When 20's and 30's have no idea why we even celebrate Memorial day or why they get the day off for 4th of July. These are not the people who will get promoted to position of authority but the base pulling the lever for "free stuff forever". And they vote, yeah gods they vote with nothing behind the thought process.
ReplyDelete