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I want to look at this bit of cowboy wisdom from a slightly different perspective.
We all know people who keep making the same mistake over-and-over-and-over again. Most vexing are the ones where people break up with their romantic partner and then take up with another person who is a virtual clone of the one they broke up with. Of course, that relationship is also doomed for for some reason he-or-she cannot see that.
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| From the movie Groundhog Day where Bill Murray keeps reliving the day over-and-over again. |
On a slightly less obvious note, consider couples who keep having the same fight over-and-over again.
More often than we care to admit, the energy driving the fight is caused by pain from an event upstream of the proximal cause (trigger) for the fight. The action(s) that triggered the fight ripped the scab off of an injury. The injured party probably lacks self-awareness to realize that their reaction is not a response to what their partner did but to the (ancient) association of cause=>effect from the previous injury and the fear of being hurt again.
AND...many times the person who inflicted that injury is not the person they are with now. So the hapless partner is being punished for deeds he/she didn't do or has not done.
SPOILER: Dissecting the proximal causes will not stop the fights. The couple needs to travel upstream and make amends or come-to-grips and get closure over the upstream event(s).
Identifying the distant cause required a lot of skill and the ability to accept the saying about assholes. If you meet one asshole today they are the asshole. If if is everyone you meet, YOU are the asshole.
ReplyDeleteCommunication IS the key, yet few today actually DO that.
ReplyDeleteAt the beginning of our marriage (28+ years ago), my wife used to warn me not to say 'Did you hear me ?' as her ex-husband used to say that a lot and that really ticked her off. I told her I can make my own mistakes Thank You Very Much and not to expect complaints taken then filter down to husband #2. I can make my own mistakes and hear about it.
ReplyDeleteShe got the hint and we are still off and on happily married, lol.
Mom was a keeper of old hurts and periodically bring them up to stepfather and off they went. I said nope, no way was I riding that roller coaster. Hubby and I had wonderful years together and was my best friend. I only remember 1 argument in all are years.
ReplyDelete