Schooled by the Ol' Man

Twin lasers tracked across my face. They were ultraviolet light. I could smell ozone and scorched dust particles as they left twin trails of charred flesh. I remained impassive. I had raised four teenagers and was almost immune to baleful looks. Almost.

My dad had raised 8 teenagers. I was at a disadvantage.

He restarted the loop. “I want you to take good care of her. I have always loved her. I will always love her. She decided. I only want the best for her….”

Mom was in the room and it was very uncomfortable.

He gave me my mother. He gave me his little dog. He gave me his house “...we bought it in 1966. It isn’t new but it treated me well and has good bones. I want you to take good care of it when I am not here….”

I attempted to deflect. “We will both take good care of mom” I said, implying that I would help HIM take care of mom. It was like a paper airplane hitting a concrete wall. More laser beams followed.

I had dreaded our Friday shift at Mom and Dad’s. Last week did not go well. The messages from the other caregivers over the course of the week were alarming. Dad was angry. Dad was agitated. Dad was accusing mom of infidelity. Dad was depressed.

We got “Dad the depressed”

He slept until 11. He had no energy. He was groggy. He refused to eat and drink and did not take his meds.

He was shutting down.

I was supposed to bathe him today. It did not happen.

He looped, and looped and looped through his message for hours. “Take good care of her when I am gone...”

Just before we left, Mrs ERJ took mom to the bathroom for toileting.

It was just Dad and me in the room. Mano-y-mano time. “It just tears my heart out.” my dad said, tears in his eyes. “Maybe if I had been more of a man or if I had been sexier she wouldn't have left me.”

“Dad! Mom has never cheated on you.” I said with much conviction. In a funny sort of way, it was funny. Dad still thought mom was a prize and some man was trying to steal her away. Mom is in her mid-eighties.

“It is tearing my heart out” he repeated. “I want you to tell her how much I loved her when I am gone.”

The bathroom was just around the corner. I am sure Mom heard.

“I will do that, of course” I said to Dad. “But. She. Is. Not. Cheating. On. You.”

“Why would you think that?” I asked.

“You are a scientist.” I reminded him. In fact, his first job out of college had been as an analytical chemist. “What is the evidence? There is none.”

“...just before we go...” has become a relative thing. Today it was 90 minutes before we left.

About fifteen minutes after the ‘evidence’ conversation, Dad shuffled his walker into the kitchen. “Do you have a minute?” he asked.

“Sure.” I said.

“You will answer me honestly, right? I have that feeling about you. You tell it to me straight when the others might candy-coat it.” he asked.

I nodded. Dad was very serious.

“What is the name of your wife?” he asked.

“Gertrude*.” I said. And then it was if I had been brained with a lightening bolt.

“You and I are both married to women named ‘Gertrude’.” I said.

“Gertrude” I called out into the dining room. “Can my Gertrude come into the kitchen?”

Mrs ERJ came waltzing into the kitchen.

“She is my Gertrude.” I said. “I am married to this one and will always be married to her. Your Gertrude is waiting for you in the dining room.”

Dad wilted in relief. “You didn’t steal my Gertrude.”

“Nope. This one is more than enough” I said, earning an elbow in the short-ribs from my Gertrude.

"I am glad we had this conversation." he said. There was JOY was in his voice.

My dad had been operating under the delusion that a despicable cad named ‘Joe’ had married his Gertrude and stolen her away. His brain worked to make sense of what he heard. He had holes in his memory. He arrived at the only possible conclusion with the evidence he had.

His loop snapped into focus “I want you to take good care of her. I have always loved her. I will always love her. She decided. I only want the best for her….”

He was stepping aside. In his mind, he was giving me his beloved Gertrude and everything else. He was crawling out onto the ice-flow so his Gertrude could be happy.

I confess that it was my turn to tear up a little bit. Dad was not selfish and irrational and mean. Nope. Once again, I got schooled by the Ol' Man. 94 and with dementia, he still humbled me.



*Mrs ERJ and my mom both share an uncommon first name but it is not Gertrude.

Fake News Friday: Possession of Narwhale tusk could soon be a Class One Felony

U.S. Representatives Tliab (D, Michigan) and Omar (D, Minnesota) introduced legislation making possession of a Narwale tusk a Federal, Class One Felony. The preface to the legislation indicates that this legislation is based on the historical use of Narwhale tusks to repress missionaries spreading the Religion of Peace.

Furthermore, owning, displaying or spreading digital images of Narwhale tusks will be prosecuted as a hate crime.

Displaying one's finger(s) in a way that can be interpreted as a Narwhale tusk(s) will be prosecuted as a hate crime as will the dissemination of analog and digital images of fingers or hands that might be interpreted as Narwhale tusk(s).

I am thinking of buying a tractor

The stars are starting to align.

The hunting camp is on forty acres and will benefit from more active management.

A significant percent of the camp is marsh or swamp as shown in the light green above. The snapshot is approximately 20 of the 40 acres, the majority of the portion that is not shown is under cultivation.

The top green area is primarily marsh, that is, wet grassland. At one time it had a decent stand of ash on it but the Emerald Ash Borer decimated them.

The lower green area is primarily swamp, that is, wet forested area. The dominant species is "soft" maple and many of them are "wolf" trees. The soft maple is easily 90% of the standing wood mass.

A wolf tree is an old (some would say senile) tree that hogs the sunlight. It is typically one of the mother trees. It came early and is usually of terrible form. That is, pioneer species, multiple trunks, short trunk, forked trunk, big shaded footprint.....

For many people, cutting down wolf trees is an agonizing decision. People who buy hunting camps, for instance, love trees. We want to believe that Mother Nature knows best.  We forget that Mother Nature is pedaling her ass on the street corner because others took advantage of her. She needs a hand up.

One action that makes harvesting wolf trees more palatable is if the wood can be salvaged, if only for firewood.

Sixty years old, fifty horse power, six speeds, two wheel drive, $2000

And that is where the tractor comes in. It is more than a quarter mile to the road.

Once the wolf trees are cut down and sunlight is hitting the ground, then an assortment of non-maples can be introduced. Candidates include Bald Cypress, Pecan, Bur Oak, Bitternut Hickory, Tupelo, assorted willow species, Sycamore, Nanny berry, Aronia, Ribes, Black Alder, White Pine, Persimmon, Honey Locust....

Do any of you out there have opinions regarding gas vs. diesel? 2WD vs 4WD? Old vs. new? My first semi-informed opinion is that anything after 1960 is likely to have a functional 3-point hitch. Diesel is twice as fuel efficient but if you only run the tractor 40 hours a year gas might be easier to start.

Everything you need to know about the Democratic Primaries

Data from major polls taken since November 21, 2019

Biden and Buttigieg packaged themselves as Centrists. Sanders and Warren as Leftists.

If you combine Biden and Buttigieg's numbers and Sanders and Warren's numbers the Centrists and the Communists are in a virtual dead-heat: 34.7% vs. 33.8%

Biden's polling shows the most bounciness with a standard-deviaiton of 7.0%. Standard deviation is a common way to characterize variation. Warren's polling has the least variation with a standard deviation of 3.1%

The correlation matrix tells us that when Biden stumbles, Buttigieg picks up more of his supporters than Warren and that Warren picks up more than Sanders. Negative correlation is like a teeter-totter; when one side of the comparison goes down, the other goes up.

The correlation matrix also tells us that Sanders and Warren's polling numbers have a correlation of +0.43. A positive correlation suggests that their numbers move in tandem like the tide raising and lowering all boats. Clearly, certain states and pollsters love their (nearly) identical message and other states/pollsters are less enamored.

To date, there has been little to put Sanders/Warren into a zero-sum-game like Biden-Buttigieg. That is likely to change after the first primary and it becomes a cage-fight to collect delegates. At that point, if I were Sanders, I would not drink from the teacup Warren handed me.

Strategically, the Democratic kingmakers have to be thinking of a ticket that is Biden + Sanders OR Warren or Warren + Buttigieg. In the first scenario, I think Warren will get the nod because of age and stability in polling.

Pamela Karlan

Pamela Karlan on left. She is the woman who took the cheap shot at Barron Trump during the impeachment hearings, Barron is a 13 year old child.

Pamela Karlan describes herself as  "snarky, bisexual Jewish woman"

She hates:

• Whites
• The rich
• The pampered
• The sanctimonious, i.e. those who do not approve of her lifestyle choices
• The incurious
• Non-LGBTLMNOP
• Men
• People with power.

I don't hate you Professor Karlan. I pity you. As anybody with a brain can see, you hate yourself. Your pride refuses to let you see that so you displace your hatred. You hate everything you are not and can never be.

I pity you and will include you in my prayers.

Maybe your heart can grow. After all, it is the season for miracles.

The dumpster fire continues

An entertaining website, in a shiny gum-wrapper way

I Like Big Bytes (and I cannot lie)

People who work in Eaton County, Michigan come from the following places

The site is fairly easy to navigate. Press PLAY to animate the info-graphic. You can animate where the residents of that county commute to work or where people who work in that county reside.

The site lists the animated data in tabulated form at the bottom of the page.

The site defaults to commuters who commute between twenty miles and one hundred miles.

Oakland County, home of the Shekel

Macon, Tennessee.home of Knuckledraggin

Shasta, California home of the Daily Timewaster

Cuyahoga, Ohio.home of Dad's Deadpool

Cook County, home of Home on the Range and, almost Middle of the Right

New York, New York, just because