Fathers' Day: No-contact families

According to Psychology Today

...No-Contact Families Are Becoming a New Norm

While many people experience a nurturing and loving childhood, others aren't so lucky.

When people grow up, they may choose to limit or cut off contact with their family for many reasons.

Neglect or abuse, unresolved conflicts, betrayals, and different values are some leading sources of tension. 

 Toxic and abusive parenting is a common cause of estranged children

A sample paragraph

“…I had a generally happy childhood. Then, in 2016, they (my parents) started going further and further to the right (coincidentally(?) the year Trump was elected the first time) and getting drawn into conspiracies until they finally moved to a different state completely for ‘freedom,’” shares a Reddit user, “We simply no longer have the same values or beliefs. I will not let my own children be around them unsupervised once I heard them call COVID a Chinese conspiracy.”  Source

My take on the no-contact phenomena is much more upbeat

A period of no-contact is a natural and healthy developmental stage that many, perhaps most adult children go through. There does not need to be a victim. There does not need to be an oppressor. It Just Happens.

All four of my kids went through (or are going through) this phase. This is not a problem. Even Jesus spent 40 days in the wilderness at the start of his ministry.

The strength of parental bonds (even if you were only a so-so parent, more-so if you were an involved parent) warps the time-and-space that the young adult child moves through. The shock of leaving college and re-entering the hurly-burly of the real world can be a real challenge.

They need space to navigate in their new life. Frankly, they need less "noise" as they sort through their "friends" and new-values and the challenges of their new, Darwinian environment. They have to reconcile what they were taught was "reality" in college with the reality they encounter after college.

Parental input jangles their thinking and they ask "Are these echoes of my parents yakking at me or are my evolving values and emotions authentically mine?" Then there is the issue of them automatically defending their choices even when they have hidden doubts about them. They need to decide if Billie or Krystell is a bad friend on their own. Your objections will only muddy the water.

Some kids have a low-drama, surgically clean break while they "find themselves". Others get trapped in a push-pull situation where they want some things (money, affirmation, watch their pet when they go on vacation) but want total separation in other things. 

Others waffle which proves confusing because of the mixed-messages the parents and other family members receive. Part of the kid wants to stay close and receive affirmation. Another part of the kid subconsciously* knows that they need to push away. The subconscious part makes them irritable, prickly and cranky and disagreeable. They want to push away but they don't want to feel like the villain.

How long does it take?

I doubt that there is any one, single answer. The estrangement described in the sample paragraph might well be for the rest of his/her parent's lives. In other cases, the estrangements might occur serially as clueless parents (and kids) rush back into legacy expectations from the child's teens.

One factor that comes into play is the ratio of parents-to-kids. When parents had six and eight kids there was not enough "mom" to go around and kids were far less likely to be smothered.

The high ratio of parents-to-kids also fosters helicopter parenting. That results in parents having too many repetitions of rescuing their kid, too many repetitions subtly telling their kid "You can't cut it".

Single parents (almost always the mom) with a single kid are especially pernicious. The mom doesn't have a husband to distract her. There is a lot of temptation for the mom to project her needs for closeness that she would normally get from her husband onto her child. "It is just you-and-me against the world, kiddo". That is a hell of a burden to place on a child and the guilt-bonds can be exceptionally sticky...and create exceptional resentment.

Summary

Periods when kids are not talking to their parents are not pathological; they are normal and healthy.

Think of your being available without pushing-for-closeness as a gift you are giving your child.

If your child is in push-pull or waffle-mode, then remind yourself that based on the evidence, contact with you is causing them pain and making them angry. Remind yourself that you don't want to cause your child pain or to make them angry. If that is too painful, then remind yourself that it is an inarticulate part of their subconscious talking in the only way it know how. 

Give them time. They will probably sort things out and things will normalize. Likely, they will emerge with a three-dimensional view of you rather than a 2-D, cardboard cutout and you will engage where your values are in alignment and you will (mostly) avoid the landmines where they do not.

Bonus meme

*"Psychology Today", subconscious...see what I did there?