A friend emailed me that his neighbor's son had just committed suicide. Please understand that I am not in a position to share many details.
The son was 30 years-old and it was totally out-of-the-blue. In retrospect, the only (possible) tell is that the son moved all of his useful tools and equipment from his garage in one state into his dad's barn on "the farm" in a different, nearby state.
US data shows that the crude death-rate from age 20-through-84 is 18/100k per year, +/- 3. It is a bit lower than that through the teen years but coroners have been known to rule deaths "accidental" to protect the mental health of the parents.
Prayer and prayer-like practices
I was listening to a video about dementia and how prayer seems to help knit the shattered neural links back together. I sent this link to a friend going through a rough patch. I took the liberty of jumping into the video mid-way to minimize the amount of material he would have to wade through to get to the material that applied to him.
Cutting to the chase, prayer (and similar practices) slows down the process that runs the accelerator-pump that gooses cortisol FIGHT/FLIGHT production while simultaneously feeding the regions of the brain that help us feel "connected" to people and the regions of the brain where we conceptualize continuity of past/now/future.
Since he has a lot of animosity toward Christianity and "organized" religion, I also took the liberty of sending him some links to a channel that posts inspirational prose that are (mostly) NOT Biblical:
Do what you can
It is pretty clear that the young man who chose to commit suicide had been planning it. In the note, he left all of his "things" to his dad.
It is almost impossible to stop somebody who has fully decided to commit suicide. The window of opportunity is BEFORE they make that decision.
It will be useful to me and to other readers if you shared some of your favorite pieces of prose in the comments.
Three times I think I was the last person to speak to the one who did it. In one of those, To I know I was the last. None were pleas for help or showed desperation or despondancy. I realize now that each had already made up their minds.
ReplyDeleteJoey, age 21.
Mike, age 43.
Nick, age 27.
There were signs, but I did not understand them. In hindsight and much study, I would recognize them for what they are.
A keen eye after much study is required to discern. Even then, it all may seem entirely plausible. The act is very personal, internal, and may show no outward sign.
There is also a cultural angle. Korea has become a hotbed of celebrities committing suicide (https://youtu.be/K26gqTEMtXY) and presumably an up-tick in me-too deaths in their fans.
DeleteWhen a celeb does it and it gets lots of attention, it gives others "permission" to think about the idea and to imagine how it would solve all of their problems.
The internet is not always your friend.
My favorite are the books of Psalms, Proverbs. Robt W. Service is next favorite.
ReplyDeleteI have noted the similarity between TR's man in the arena and Kipling's If.
ReplyDeleteAlso by Kipling, The Answer is probably his best...very moving.
Differ
ERJ - In some ways I might recommend The Enchiridion by the Stoic philosopher Epictetus ("The Manual" by Sam Torode is a great translation of it). Stoicism teaches at its core that we can only control ourselves and not to become agitated or upset about events that may impact us but are beyond our control.
ReplyDeleteI say "in some ways" because it does deal with death, which may not be where your friend is now. But is is something that is "outside the church" which may speak to him.
Keeping it out of the church is forcing it to remain secular.
ReplyDeleteOur local efforts to reduce veteran suicides involved faith and church as essential to giving that potential suicide a "Way Out" to live.
Michael the anonymous
So sorry for the father. Son-in-law also committed suicide and there is noting that can be said as it leave behind a question that can never be answered. Why?
ReplyDeleteThe worst part for someone contemplating suicide is that they feel the way the feel, and don't know why. You've heard it before; "They had everything to live for." The contemplator KNOWS that, and yet still feels the way they do. There's also the stigma that goes along with getting help. Tell someone you're contemplating suicide, and you will most likely end up on a 72-hour hold (we call it a "51/50" in CA). After that, you're branded. No firearms purchases for four years. Though the record of the hold is supposed to be confidential info, it always manages to "leak," and will affect how you're handled when looking for work or "interfacing" with law enforcement This situation can actually make things WORSE for the contemplator. And so, they keep their troubles to themselves. Hence the "surprise" of others when the contemplator follows through.
ReplyDeleteI was once a contemplator. I was in a deep pit of depression for no obvious reason, and couldn't find my way out. It was like being trapped in a cold, damp labyrinth. I dangerously kept it to myself. By the grace and help of God, I found my way out, which leads me to this; if you're contemplating, tell someone what's going on in your head. Be VERY careful about who you tell, but don't keep it to yourself. KNOW THIS, THOUGH; you WILL find your way out. It may take time, but you will see the sun again. Depression may happen again, but having survived it once, you'll have the road map out of the labyrinth, and will survive it again. Don't give up!
Grief never ends.
ReplyDeleteBut it does change.
It is a passage, not a place to stay.
It is not a sign of weakness, or a lack of faith.
It is the price of true love.
author unknown
It is about 29 now. the number of people who I knew of that ended it sooner. I found out another guy I know is terminal. I told someone to contact his brother and have him take the bolts out his rifles for a while. It is a hell of a thing to come into a place where the end was sudden. A cousin did that and left it for his friend to find. Why did he do that? Well his wife had sudden onset of Alzheimer's, he was a diabetic, he was alone again and I think his nephew came out of the closet to him all in short order. I understand. Don't agree but understand. The neighbor has cancer, not going to treatment. Just going to ride it out. Is it suicide? Just letting thing progress? it is inevitable. A SIL took the chemo, still died a year or so later. A pastor I knew was sick, stopped eating and performed a self death for lack of a better term. Was that acceptable? IDK.
ReplyDeleteI don't have the answer but if you have Jesus then you never go through this alone. It still may be crap but your not alone.
I’m afraid that this poem may not be exactly what you are looking for, but I love it enough to have read it at my mom’s funeral, and hope someone will read it at mine. It is by Hermann Hesse, a Noble prize winning poet and novelist. It may have been in his book, The Glass Bead Game. I found it in a memoir by the Buddhist nun, Ayya Khema. The translation below has unusual structure. It is not my doing.
ReplyDeleteStages
By Hermann Hesse, as translated by Richard and Clara Winston.
“As every flower fades and as all youth
Departs so life at every stage,
So every virtue, so our grasp of truth,
Blooms in its day and may not last forever.
Since life may summon us at every age
Be ready, heart, for parting, new endeavor,
Be ready bravely and without remorse
To find new light that old ties cannot give.
In all beginnings dwells a magic force
For guarding us and helping us to live.
Serenely let us move to distant places
And let no sentiments of home detain us.
The Cosmic Spirit seeks not to restrain us
But lifts us stage by stage to wider spaces.
If we accept a home of our own making,
Familiar habit makes for indolence.
We must prepare for parting and leave-taking
Or else remain the slaves of permanence.
Even the hour of our death may send
Us speeding on to fresh and newer spaces,
And life may summon us to newer races.
So be it, heart: bid farewell without end.”
Sometimes all it takes is lending a ear/some of your time to bring folks back from despair.
ReplyDeleteOther times,nothing you say/do can stop the pain that folks decide makes life too burdensome.
I have been in both situations more times then I care to remember,me average is about 50%,need to up my game!
Thank-you for all of the comments.
ReplyDeleteA common thread is to have a strong internal compass and to accept that some events are beyond our control and simply must be endured.
I will be thrilled if people add to this as thoughts strike them.
At the risk of sounding pompous, since many people don't have personalities that "telegraph" their intentions and since modern society offers a poverty of fellowship, it is probably good insurance to have a schedule for touching bases with the people who are important to you.
I dislike the vapid slogan "Try Kindness". It stinks of manipulative intent. "The skeleton key didn't work and the hammer bounced off of the window. Let's see if mimicking kindness gets us what we want".
What if we try to Be Kind? Maybe instead of asking "How are you doing?" we ask "Is there anything I can do to make your day better?" THen, if they need to talk, give them the time they need. Since we cannot predict it...sort of like the onset of scurvy symptoms, our only viable option for managing it is to make sure that we get/give our Recommended Daily Allowance of Vitamin I Care.
Again, thanks for taking time out of your busy lives to read the post and to comment.
-Joe